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12:52am 07/02/2005
mood: confused
I'm in love with him...absolutely head over heels in love with him. And there's nothing I can do about it! I get over him time and time again, I dont think about him so much for awhile but then one conversation and im gone. I'm a goner. I know right now..even while im sitting here talking to him when I should be going to bed that i'm a goner. I can't handle how profound these feelings are. I wish it were anyone else but him. I'm setting myself up to getting hurt! but we are so perfect for each other personality wise. we have so much chemistry and think the same things and all that. we can talk for hours (which we did last night) but that doesnt mean anything! I know im just setting myself up for getting hurt and part of me doesnt care! Im sick of not feeling ANYTHING with anyone and with him I feel everything and I dont know. I feel like its worth it to try but I dont know what this means or where we stand or what this is supposed to be. I want this to all mean something and not just repeat everything tht has happened in the past. but AHHHHH I'm completely lost and dont know what to do. ALl I know is that I am soo in love with him :-( And it terrifies the shit outta me.
09:52pm 07/11/2004
mood: impressed
I was just reading the other day in a magazine and my horoscope said

" if love fizzles early in the year, dry your tears and focus on your independent streak. In november expect a reappearance from Mr. Gone but not forgotten"

Then just...a lil while ago I get a random apology from him! "sorry I'm an ass" after months of not talking after everything went down. its so weird!!! I mean..I like got over him. im not pining away or anything. haha believe me. but thats so WEIRD!! I don't want anything with him but jeezz...creepy
*a love worth having is a love worth striving for*   
06:22pm 05/08/2004
mood: weird
Wow I have definitly fallen for this guy...ive only known him for a short time but the feeling is very much there. I tried to tell myself not to get my hopes up just in case things go bad which most likely is whats gonna happen but....things are good right now. We definitly like eachother but ive come to realize that it doesnt qualify for things to work out. So many things can happen. I have to make myself understand that I shouldnt get so roped up into this and get hurt. I have to try to learn not to think about anything and just take it day by day and try not to care so much. I really hope things do work tho.. We have so much fun together. We laugh and act like complete dorks. lol Ive never had so much fun with a person before. I just want to learn more and more about him and I want to experience things with him and hear what he has to say. We'll see what happens but all I can say is oh wow.....
*waiting to open the next door in my life*   
05:43pm 23/07/2004
mood: okay
a lot of time has passed since my last entry. figured I owe this thing an update. Last entry I was so upset. ( i think it was either private or friends only) I reread it just now and I remember all of that. It seems like such a long time ago. I feel ive learned a lot from that experience. And I feel comfterble in saying that it was better off it happened. I know it was what was supposed to happen. Left me open for a lot of other experiences that I will always remember. Things are okay right now. Enjoying summer. Ive been working, hanging out with many different friends, partying, doing new things, etc. I've gotten to be good friends with Anna again which is awesome. we've had so much fun so far this summer. Hmm what else? Well I went to wildwood and got tan...lol and the dance nationals went well. It was so much fun to dance on the boardwalk. I cant wait for washington state in august, Warped Tour,...and hopefully Otter lake next weekend!!! That would make me so happy. Theres also the family party tomorrow and Maxwells both nights. BUTCH WALKER! hell yea. and my brothers new band. haha Anna and I met guys at this show who live in various different states. Illinois, Wisconsin, Missouri, etc. Phil from Illinois was a cutie and we still talk which is good. weve had some pretty good conversations. He is a good guy. Now lets meet some good guys that live around here. hahaha I just want the rest of summer to be even greater than the first half has been. I want to meet new people and experience new things. I want to live life so much better than I already am! But I dont know where to find all i'm looking for. But yea...thats a really really short summary of all thats happened. I didnt even get into a lot of it. Summer has been really busy with work and everything but...yup. just an update. I wonder whats gonna happen tonight??? if we dont hang out, i'll say something. Heather is right. I should. oh btw...myspace is such an addictive waste of time. you should join and add me as a friend lol. www.myspace.com

<3 dana
just more thoughts   
11:15pm 12/05/2004
mood: blank
I get negative and tell myself all these negative thoughts cuz I got hurt. All this second guessing is all a result from that fact. I got hurt and I automatically assume all these things. and ya know what. I dont know and I just gotta stop all this negativity towards myself. people can care for multiple people and I know whatever happens, happens for a reason. but still its gonna take time for me to feel better all the time. Today has just been a bad relapse or something. and yes I am jealous. but i dont know...things Will have to be okay. cuz they just do. and they will. eventually.
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frustrated at myself!   
07:54pm 12/05/2004
mood: frustrated
so yea im upset. he really loves this girl from colorado and its like why was he with me if he cares for her so deeply? if shes everything hes ever wanted, then I guess im not good enough and never was. I dont think im ever going to be good enough for anyone. right now im doubting if I even mattered to him at all. Who knows. Its like every other situation ive ever been in. I know he said he meant everything he said but what does that go to show for? maybe at one point he cared but who knows what he thinks right now? All these what ifs are really frustrating me. I wish I didnt care but I do. I dont want to have meant nothing to him. fine ill never be like "her" but...was I even good at all??? Was I even close? or was I yet again fooling myself.
"Stop expecting change"   
10:17pm 04/05/2004
mood: disappointed
Yea well I did it again. Yet again I got my hopes up. I got my hopes up that i could actually find someone who would find in me what they always dreamed and wanted in someone. This time though I thought I had it. It takes a lot for me to actually let someone in. Ive been let down so many times in the past. By Friends, Guys, Life, etc. I thought this time was different. I was so happy. and it really sux that its over. At least everything ive grown to love is over. things wont be the same and I dont know how to make that change. Part of me doesnt want to take the challenge of the change on. I know not to live in the past but I dont want the change at all!! Yesterday when it happened I was so shocked because I wasn't expecting it. Deep down I knew things were different since he wasnt talking to me as much which was strange cuz we always talked....but I didnt think things were going to end. I understand everything he said last night which is what i have to do. I can't very well tell him hes wrong about how he feels. Obviously what he feels is what is and nothing can change that. I gotta be understanding. Its just so hard because he meant something to me even if he doesnt realize how much. It wasnt just some passing fleeting thing that was just for the time being. It wasnt casual in my eyes. It takes a lot of feelings for me to commit to someone. And I was ready to make the commitment last month and I made it and we were together but as I found out last night, hes not ready for that commitment. And of course I want him to be happy and figure things out and not be so "messed up in the head" as he called it. I understand hes going through stuff and all his reasonings. it makes sense and I agree he has to do what he has to do. But..at the same time what am I supposed to do? I dont know if I can be okay with it anytime soon. I'm going to miss talking with him, being with him, and being special to him. He made me feel special... and I loved being special to him. He is an amazing guy. Thats what makes it harder having to give him up in the sense of how things were. One thing that is curious is if he knew he never wanted a relationship in the first place why did he start one with me? somehow did I get between his barrier? But even so did he think I wasnt going to get attatched? He had feelings I know that. Obviously he did, and its simply just he cant be in a serious relationship as he said. I'm just scared that somehow the fact of the matter could be him simply not liking me anymore. I know this is all in my head...but I would hope to think he still cares about me in more than a friend way. he says he still cares and he called me an amazing person, but it would hurt if I got demoted to just friend feelings randomly. After all that. I dont wanna be in the same genre as Holly.I know he cares for her and thats great. But being just a friend SUX. Especially since in my eyes he is more than just a friend. The feelings of being special can so easily be washed away. And thats upsetting since I obviously still have feelings. He wants to be friends, which alright yea its good in theory but does he realize that even thinking about not being special to him is really upsetting? All day ive been thinking about how no longer will I be able to express the affection I feel for him. And thats upsetting since theres tons of it still left unexpressed. I'm going to miss everything so much. I know we havent known eachother that long and we didnt go out for that long but obviously one day isnt gonna make everything okay. I cant just snap my fingers and start envisioning him as just a friend. I knew when this all started that he had the ex girlfriends and ex situations and he probably had baggage which is the truth. I knew he had other people in his life that could easily fill a "girlfriends" role in his life. But the things he said and the way we were....it felt so great and I thoguht we were both so happy being in that relationship. He was talking about the summer and said he was happy with me and I was everything he ever wanted in a girlfriend. When he would sit down and think of what he wanted a girlfriend to do...I was what he wanted. He says he meant everything he said, okay I can believe that, he isnt one to lie, but even tho he meant it...it doesnt matter. things are different now and I dont know how to feel. Im sick of being the girl who is just used as an inbetween the old girls and the dream girls. I dont want to be a friend. Why did things have to change? I miss talking to him, I miss hearing his voice, I miss his phone calls, I miss kissing him, I miss hugging him, I miss hearing his stories, I miss making him smile, etc, etc. And the question on my mind is. Will he miss me?
05:28pm 01/05/2004
mood: scared
I dont even know what to think anymore....things are so complicated right now. Who knows whats gonna happen.
09:55pm 05/04/2004
mood: pessimistic
will my luck ever change??? I wonder if things will work out or not. I hope so but knowing my luck...its all gonna stop like usual.
"these are the days worth living"   
01:13am 27/03/2004
mood: peaceful
The Show went so well!! I love all my crew, etc. We all did such a great job. I am really proud of all the hard work i've put in. It all really paid off. :-) Ms. Spatola seemed so happy. I am also really happy I got to see Josh and Kara. I love them.
Things to Look Forward To   
10:27pm 01/03/2004
mood: thoughtful
Matchbook Romance, Fall out Boy, and Mest!! This Friday!! Family stuff saturday afternoon but possible party saturday night if I find a ride. And sunday is my first dance competition.

1 month and 12 days!!!!! woo I cant wait till my license. AWESOME! 17 will be great

possible bday hangout??? dunno :-)

25 days till the musical. Its going to be great. This week is gonna accomplish alot. Im gonna work next two weeks real har d to get everything ready. I gotta stay on top of things. I think things will be great.

SKATE AND SURF!!! - April 18th. I get to meet Annie and see Jackie! plus YELLOWCARD! :-D

SUMMER IS GONNA BE GREAT! driving, washington for 10 days, rec, wildwood competition, Otter lake staying with Jackie possibly, etc. :-)
~*~concrete angel*~*   
05:41pm 21/02/2004
mood: okay
Sometimes I really just dont know myself....like I get kinda pissed off because things just seem really weird and I dont understand how they got to be so weird. I dont even know what im talking about...I am fine. I just need to vent on how much people SUCK. :-)
"good girls are only bad girls who havent been caught yet"   
01:58pm 14/02/2004
mood: cheerful
last night was so much fun! WOO!! lol anyways...happy valentines day
just thinking   
10:40pm 08/02/2004
mood: confused
I am so confused. I think I might like Josh but I dont know if I do or not. Plus I dont know if I SHOULD or not. I just have a lot of fun with him. and I feel like I can talk to him about anything. I dont know. It could be just me being dumb again. Who knows. I wonder how he feels. I know he used to like me....anyways. ttyl
as usual...friends   
12:23am 01/02/2004
mood: weird
So I just got off the phone with Adam...which made me in a really weird mood. He told me he wants to get back together with Jess. I'm happy for him. Thas who I am. Happy for those who are happy. But at the same time...I had started to care for him in a way. I didnt like him...as in having a crush on him. I didnt expect anything to happen as in a relationship. But I defintly started to care for him and we were gonna hang out. I felt cared by him but now... i dont know. Its good for him tho. Anyways bye
*its a beautiful disguise*   
10:54pm 19/01/2004
mood: excited
Anyways...so being the sound girl for gt rehearsal tonight was pretty cool lol. I did alot at rehearsal. It was enjoyable. the Crew wasnt doing too much. I dunno what everyone was arguing about. Yea so..last night I was on the phone with Billy for 3 hours. It was cool. Hes nice and hes one of my fellow searchers so that makes him even better lol. I cant wait till the 27th. ooh! and I asked Sean to prom and he said yea. So thats good :-). I'm excited. Today gym was great with Maria and Kelli. lol "I want you PHYSICALLY!" haha to Pete and George. I loved gym today. But yea...nothing too new. Enjoying my secret lives lol. Fun times. This week is hell though with all the work I have. Tests and Projects. Not Fun. At least I dont have exams like Randolph does. gotta be thankful for that. hmmm nothing I really wanna talk about. byeee
I miss my searchers!!!!   
08:23pm 13/01/2004
mood: blah
I cant be on team for search...yet another dissapointment. It was SO close to working out too. I was so happy yesterday when I thought I could. But it turns out I had two conflicts not just the one I overcame. Stupid dance competition lol. Me and billy will hang out then that weekend. haha power to the searchers who arent doing team :-) Anyways nothing that new going on. last weekend I had such an amazing time friday night with catherine and seeing katelyn! I havent laughed that hard in such a long time. I cant wait till the 27th when we all go to the Randolph/Knolls hockey game at mennon. Should be alot of fun. Musical is starting up. this week is auditions. I wonder who is going to make it. Anyways this was a really lousy entry...haha oh well. byee
"Despite Delays, God Stays" - SEARCH 04   
06:37pm 07/01/2004
  The search retreat was amazing! absolutely AMAZING! I love all the people I met and the fun times we had. I loved how we all met at the mall monday night to hang out :-) the pictures were awesome. haha i had so much fun. The people are amazing. I love them all. Its so good how close everyone got despite it only being a weekend with one another. Back to school though :-(. It sux. I keep expecting to see everyone from search. it sux that everyone goes to different schools. School is back to normal. Im yet again tired beyond belief. I dont get much sleep. Bad I know, and I should change it. But I can't. Plus now I like staying up and chatting with all my searchers. I got over Chris so thats good. Heather said eventually hes gonna talk to me about everything. its all good though. our friendship is kick ass so it works. :-) I <3 being close friends with him. I hope its not weird at all. I just wonder if this is gonna affect me hanging out with everyone as a group... Im kinda upset that i couldnt audition for GT today tho....it sucks. I kept thinking though...despite my whole new "positive, happy" attitude from search, that even if I did audition I wouldn't have made it. Not good to think. I know. But if you have dancers like Steven or Jessie. Its hard to feel good. ALthough I do know ive gotten a whole lot better. I work my butt off and its definitly noticable that I have gotten better. Hopefully by spring my dance "beautiful goodbye" is perfected and I feel confident. Dance was awesome last night. First night back in two weeks. I love Mr. Chris. Stretching was great! splits were down! woo! haha I love Senses Fail and Matchbook Romance :-). anyways, looking forward to seeing my fellow searchers pictures from Monday Night.

"Lean On Me" - SEARCH THEME!
"Lean together, Believe Forever"

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Even tho I dont know anything definite....   
10:07pm 01/01/2004
mood: angry
wow I wish I could just retract a whole bunch of feelings. Throw them away. Make it so they never existed. That way I wouldnt be feeling the way im feeling right now. And even tho I know its normal to feel this way, its the last thing I need or want right this second. I wish I never liked him, never believed. Never did alot of things. For some reason I just feel like crap right now. And I feel really pathetic to whoever reads this stupid journal. you guys should laugh at how pathetic I am! And I wouldnt be surprised
"whats meant to be will always find away"   
05:51pm 28/12/2003
mood: scared
My cousin Denise came over cuz I called her. I needed to talk to her about what happened. SHe made me call him...and monday is definite. I just wonder what hes thinking. Im scared tho. of chances fading away. ya kno what i mean?? I hope tomorrow goes great.